I am in a really wierd state right now. Just felt like writing down my thoughts before I head to bed, because I know I would be tossing and turning all night if I dont get this out.
I'm close to making the biggest decision of my life and I've never been more insecure.
Not to mention scared.
I feel like in a way this is all too good to be true.
A dream, that's going to vanish the soon as I open my eyes.
I mean, I've never gotten what I want in life.
Not a single thing.
Why would I start getting my way now?
It's like something is telling me that I should just stop hoping for something that doesn't excist.
Something that won't ever excist.
I always had a tiny feeling I would never get my happy ending.
I might sound crazy, but this is just how I see it and how I feel.
People always say that the heart is stronger than the mind, but right now, my mind is tearing down my heart.
I've tried for weeks to convince myself that it's finally my time to be happy, my time to be something.. Somebody..
Maybe even with somebody.
But how can I be with someone if I can't trust anyone?
Trust has been, and will most likely, always be something I'll struggle with.
I know I should be more openminded, but I've had the worst year (with only a few good moments) of my life.
I've had my heart broken twice, lost a very close friend, tried to end my life twice and fallen in love again.
The last one, I actually feel guilty for.
I wasn't going to fall for anyone while I was still recovering from everything that nearly killed me and now I'm once again lost.
What am I going to do?
I really just need a sign.
A sign that everything is going to be okay.
Is that too much to ask?
I really don't want you to think that I've completely lost it, cause I haven't, but I just needed to get this out.
Thank you for taking the time to read this!
If you actually read the whole thing.
xx
- Melissa
I think your attitude to life is absolutely wonderful. Life IS a bitch. But the trick is to find a way to make life YOUR bitch.
ReplyDeleteI know you can do this. I can see the strength hidden in you insecurities. You have the willpower to make your life awesome, because you ARE awesome. And you've learned a great deal about life by going through some of the rougher parts. Stay strong. Spam me with your troubles if you feel the need to talk to a stranger.
Mels,
ReplyDeleteUnfortunately, in life, people tend to become their own worst enemies, especially when in the situation of changing their luck. But think about it: you are now in a place you feel secure in, right? You're afraid to move forward, to leave this 'safe' place, even if you don't get too much out of it right now. However this place... you can always come back to it, should things not work the way you'd like them to work.
You believe life is about creating yourself. The process of creation includes both wins and losses and you should know better: losses come without asking, but when wins peek behind the corner, man, you should go towards them and bring them into the light! Grab them, hold on to them and own them! WHY wouldn't you be worthy of winning in life? Hell, after all you've been through, you should ALLOW yourself anything, happiness (ok, the POSSIBILITY of happiness for starters) especially.
Why not allow yourself to LOVE again? Don't you know it's better to love and to hurt than to have never loved again? I'd go through that pain over and over again, as long as I still have something to love.
You need a sign from yourself and I am sure you will start waving in the mirror soon, very soon. You're not crazy, you're just a little bit scared. You KNOW you want to be happy, you just need to ALLOW yourself a little bit of a treat. Your feelings are safe, Mels, as long as you keep them into the intimacy of your life. Don't be afraid to get softer, no one will see it if you don't want it. It might sound cheesy, but when you hurt, you know you're alive and no heart wound should be fatal. Your heart is just a muscle! The more you train it, the stronger it gets.
You DESERVE this. If this is what you want (I am sure you can be true to yourself to know this answer)go for it. Mind and heart forward. The only decision you cannot take back/correct is death.
It was a pleasure reading this. Don't get me wrong. I'm saying I wish I had the strength to display my fears like this a couple of years ago so people who cared would offer me the tinniest piece of advice.
You're a wonderful person, I wish you all the best!
I understand more than you might think.
ReplyDeleteI can understand why you want to leave this earth, I have wanted to leave many times in my life. I had my heart brokens so many times I cannot even begin to tell you. But I believe you are a very kind person. And only wish I could tell you what I really feel but I know it not meant for me to say. I can only tell you that somebody in this world really likes you. And most of the time I don't like myself. So I don't just say this to anybody.