I am in a really wierd state right now. Just felt like writing down my thoughts before I head to bed, because I know I would be tossing and turning all night if I dont get this out.
I'm close to making the biggest decision of my life and I've never been more insecure.
Not to mention scared.
I feel like in a way this is all too good to be true.
A dream, that's going to vanish the soon as I open my eyes.
I mean, I've never gotten what I want in life.
Not a single thing.
Why would I start getting my way now?
It's like something is telling me that I should just stop hoping for something that doesn't excist.
Something that won't ever excist.
I always had a tiny feeling I would never get my happy ending.
I might sound crazy, but this is just how I see it and how I feel.
People always say that the heart is stronger than the mind, but right now, my mind is tearing down my heart.
I've tried for weeks to convince myself that it's finally my time to be happy, my time to be something.. Somebody..
Maybe even with somebody.
But how can I be with someone if I can't trust anyone?
Trust has been, and will most likely, always be something I'll struggle with.
I know I should be more openminded, but I've had the worst year (with only a few good moments) of my life.
I've had my heart broken twice, lost a very close friend, tried to end my life twice and fallen in love again.
The last one, I actually feel guilty for.
I wasn't going to fall for anyone while I was still recovering from everything that nearly killed me and now I'm once again lost.
What am I going to do?
I really just need a sign.
A sign that everything is going to be okay.
Is that too much to ask?
I really don't want you to think that I've completely lost it, cause I haven't, but I just needed to get this out.
Thank you for taking the time to read this!
If you actually read the whole thing.